The Pain Of Love










I have never written a story to be published on the Internet before but
I feel that I have to let people know of my pain. I hope people can
relate to this story if you can please can you email me at
buggyde@hotmail.com and tell me how you over came this pain!
I have been for a year with out seeing her and I still canít
get her out of my mind! Well any way here goes!


It all started when I meet Jaime the first time. I did not even speak to her! My mom was having a pony club camp at our house! My step-bro Andrew was spending the week at my house and we were helping out at the camp! I though Jaime was the most dilly person I have ever seen, but she was very beautiful and that was all that counted at the time, but I was to shy to approach her and she was going out with some one else at the time! I really liked her a lot!



Then I joined pony club so that I could be near her as much as I could, I slowly got to know her better! About 1 month later she broke up with her boyfriend and I suppose I since I was there I was caught in the rebound! Nothing happened but she started to phone me a span we went out a lot and phoned each other almost every day! In this time we became so close! Our friendship was so special we would flirt (with out knowing it) and laugh and just be so happy, but that is as far as it would go! We did everything together she use to come to my house often and we would stay up the whole night chatting, she would then fall asleep on the chair I would then spend hours just looking at her, I was falling in love with her and I did not know it. I can still remember her laughing with me, her crying on my shoulder when she was upset, her pulling me out of my depressions!



People around us started saying we were going out and that we were a couple! For a while we corrected them, then it got to the point that we did not any more as we got tired of it! My mom was the worst she always had something to say, like arenít you 2 going out yet, when am I going to pull into her. Every body said we were perfect for each other and we deserved each other.

After a while I started to believe them. Everybody canít be wrong can they? Jaime did not do much to help the matters ether! I would go out with some one and Jaime would get upset with me jealous is the word I think. I never went out with any female more than once, as I did not want to upset her! I started to believe she had some feelings for me as well or why would she get upset when I went out with some one else? So I started to convince my self that I was the one for her despite telling myself that we were just friends!

By now almost 3 yrs have gone by and we are so close now! We have not been out with anybody else in all most 1 yr I mean thatís how long since I had gone out with a girl and Jaime a guy! I though she loved me the way I loved her! But I did not know how to tell her or even if I should tell her! I was still not 100% sure if I really did love her or if I was just in love with the Idea of her! You must understand that I lived Jaime! She was on my mind all day every day. I lived to make her happy, I bought her expensive gifts when ever I could! I hope that they would show her how much I really cared for her. By this time I (for lack of a better word) worshiped her! She could not do anything wrong in my mind!

We used to go out to movies and she would put her arms around me, when she hugged me it would be more than just a friendship hug and lingered on she held me so tight. She would only wear the perfume I had bought her! I know I must sound so corny but it is my soul I am telling you here! She was so good to me! I have all ways have a very low image of my self (I HATE my self), I have no self-esteem. She all ways made me feel so good about myself she had a way of just not caring about what others think and she made me feel the same way! She lighted up my life with her smile she was so happy all the time it made me feels good just to be with her! I would sometime phone her just to hear her voice!

Her mom never liked me much as she was all ways having a go at Jaime and I would stand up for her! She also though her daughter could do better than me for a friend and sometime I though she was right but Jaime came through and put things right again. Her brother did not like me ether for some reason which I still donít know why! Here I place Jaime on a pedstal and worship her! You must think I belong in a mental Hospital! But she still means a lot to me even to this day and I will still do anything for her!

Then about 3 and half yrs things started to go wrong, like every thing does with me! I can still remember the day very clearly it was like been slapped! We were out riding and we were talking a mile a min when she just came out with it! It was like having my world torn apart. I could barely control myself from exploding! She told me that during her shift at the Keg and Sable this 25yr old guy approached her and asked her out, and she accepted, and now they were an item! I can put down in words what I felt! I knew that we werenít going out but I still could not help feeling betrayed! Thatís when I went to hell!

I started doing drugs cause Jaime said once that she would like to try E, so I donít know what I was thinking but I though that she would approve?????? I could not think straight! The day that hurt me the most was at the Harare pony show when she invited him and she ignored me for the rest of the night! That is when I decided that my life was over and I did not care what happened to me any more! I started drinking more and smoking. I just could not control myself any more! Often I would just break down and cry until I fell asleep! I lived for Friday nights when I could get blunt and smoke myself into a mindless zombie! I remember that I spent 90% of my night smoking pot! I just could not live any more! I took a mixture of drugs hoping that I would not wake up but then the next morning I would wake up feeling worse than before if that was even humanly possible! That night Jaime ignored me I was so crushed! After she finished her riding, I was walking back to the car when she came up behind me and started talking to me like nothing was wrong! I just ignored her, I donít now why but I just did, I then did not speak to her for 2 months! Which was the worst thing to do as I can see now! Thatís when things went from bad to worst! I would not eat so that the drugs would have more effect. I took like 50 noobies and did not eat for like 2 weeks! I became so paranoid that every one was watching me talking behind my back, laughing at me cause of Jaime! The one person who I loved more than life was now my enemy! Ironic the person who had brought me much happiness had given me so much pain! I started using her as an excuse for all the problems I had created for my self! But all the time I still loved her, I still wanted her! I need to just be with her but at the same time I wanted nothing to do with her! I need to escape and thatís want I did through the drinking and drugs! I wish I had done things differently but I messed up and I will regret it for the rest of my life!

Now after 2 months I phoned her, I could not handle it any more I needed to speak to her! Then to hear her voice on the phone it was better than any high I had ever had and ever will! But things were not the same any more! I was telling her about what I had been up to and she was not impressed! She said that now every time I phoned her I all I would talk about was been high! The magic between her and me had been burnt out! I was lost and need help! But who? I tried going out with various females and all I could manage was 1 night stands as I had told my self that I would never fall in love again! I made the mistake of telling Jaime that I loved her, it was the last pathetic card I had left to play, but by now it was too late and we had gone our separate ways! She took it and said it was so sweet and that she appreciated it but she just wanted to be friends. I half expected it any way but I still had hope! After that weekend things changed!

I hated myself even more and I need to express it! The only way was to hurt myself physically! Have you ever had so much pain inside that you could only show it by physically mutilating you self! I cut myself often and hit solid walls hoping to do some real damage! I would often freak out and go on rampages only to wake up the next morning in my own blood! I liked it gave me power and control over myself! But enough of that!

Then came that weekend! I had decided on Friday that I was going to kill myself on Monday! I had it all planned perfectly! The only thing I did not plan on was the sudden urge to phone Jaime! I met up with Evy on the Sunday; he was with me when I bought the pills. I must of read the instructions like 500 times. What they do to you when you take too many! Each time I read the Instructions I got such a rush. The thought of what I was about to do the ultimate statement of love! I had a great weekend I went all out as I thought it would be my last! Then when I said good-bye to everyone it was like they all seem to know what I was about to do! I went to work on Monday as normal I collected all my stuff, as I did not want my Mom to have to worry about all of that when I was gone! People say that when some one commits suicide they are been selfish but I was not I could not help worrying about my Mom and dad and all the people I would be leaving behind! I now can't remember much of that day now but I do remember after taking the pills and I started to feel the effects I just had to phone Jaime, I phone her and told her that I was leaving that I would been gone forever! She was upset and started saying stuff like she was not going to give me any sympathy for this stunt, and I told her that I did not want it and she was like saying what do I want then? I could not tell her I had no words say what I felt. I switched off the cell phone just in case she tried to phone back! I then went and lay down on my bed and waited! Jaime some how managed to get through on the landline and told my mom what I had said! Next thing I new I woke up in hospital!

When Jaime came to visit me I broke down and cried! I realized how foolish I have been over the past few months! I really hurt Jaime and even though she said that she has forgiven me I will never forgive myself I canít forgive myself! She still means a lot to me even to his day! I canít go out with other girls because I am afraid to let any one get close to me any more and I keep on comparing others to her all the time! I will love her for now and forever! To me love is pain. I will most likely never feel love again for any one!

Written by

Richard Davis
Email : buggyde@hotmail.com
Cell : +26391354873











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