Building Noah's Ark Today
What if Noah's Ark had to be built today?
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In 6 months I'm
going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered
with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But
I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind
of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to
build an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications
for an Ark.
"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with
"6 months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord.
"You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim
for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to
fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard,
weeping... And there was no Ark.
"Noah", shouted the Lord. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best.
But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building
permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans
didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw
the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not
the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning
by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance
from the city planning commission.
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because
there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had
to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to
save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls.
So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on
strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor
Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer.
Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still
"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal
rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement
on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that
they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then
the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new
flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm
supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm
trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a
notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really
don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.
"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
ALL I REALLY NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah started building.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do
something really big.
3. Don't listen to critics--do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were one board, but
so were the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee--float!
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. When the poop gets really deep, don't sit there and complain,
get a shovel and go to work.
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. Remember the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was
built by professionals.
14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
15. Remember the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger
threat than the storm outside.
16. Don't miss the boat.
17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on
the other side.
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Broken Hearts II